‘I just want to be happy!’ That’s what people say. Hundreds over the years have told me earnestly that all they wanted in life was happiness! Language is deceptive. Of course we all (English language speakers) have a shared idea of what a ’spoon’ is but ‘happiness’ is an abstract term. To know what it really means we need to unwrap the word.

When you are happy will this be a constant state? Will you be happy regardless of what happens to others in the world? Will you be grinning ear to ear 24/7 (NB British people do not take kindly to obvious protracted displays of other people’s happiness!;)

We often assume that we will be happy once we have got what we want. Yet we know that spoilt over-indulged people are often unhappy as they are not given the opportunity to experience the satisfactions of personal struggle over adversity leading to success (see my self discipline and mental health article) Reward without effort doesn’t produce sustainable happiness and contentment as Roger Elliott so brilliantly demonstrates in hiking to happiness

Happiness and your basic needs

Living happily is a by-product of living in a certain way; just as physical fitness is a by-product of walking the dog. Happiness doesn’t just mean everything going right the whole time-some golden future era where suddenly all difficulties are dissolved. It really means living in such a way that for most of the time your basic emotional and physical needs are met.

The trouble is so many people are too black or white about what they think will make them happy (or unhappy). ‘If I could only get married or win the lottery or get that dream job’. Putting all ones eggs in one basket and depending on just one future dreamed of circumstance to make you happy is too simplistic. Being able to manage your emotions makes you generally happier. When you have emotional intelligence you are able to meet your needs (and control your greeds) from different sources as well as being able to enjoy the fruits of your inner life rather than having to depend on externally provided satisfactions all the time.

Many studies show that marriage makes people happier. This article seems to counter that idea. But if a marriage can work as a solid springboard or foundation from which you and your partner can more easily get the basic needs met from life then it will certainly aid happiness.

When people say ‘happy’ maybe they really mean: Emotionally intelligent, able to recognize and get ones basic needs met, humourous and flexible in adversity and realistic enough to know that happiness fluctuates and that it is not just something that happens to us but a by product also of what we put into life.

Mark